2004… I used to cry hiding myself in a dark room behind the walls & remember each and every pain I went through since I could remember. From the loss of my mom to the loss of all people I used to admire and loved madly, from the lusty eyes that shined at me to the chase and comments of unwanted snake we had in our house at that time, from the beautiful peaceful night rain when I saw someone to the heartache of broken heart I suffered later, from the miseries of past to the miseries of present, it all made me sleep helpless each night when what I actually needed was a way out! I used to think, howcome can ‘all’ problems be fixed? Problems, anxieties, self hatred, made permanent lines on our foreheads. It was not easy & can never be, to depend on those who treat you badly, try to move you according to them, who want you to obey ‘always’ no matter it makes you happy or unhappy as you are like slaves to them & when you confront them, you are called ‘ill mannered’, ‘ungrateful’ or ‘selfish’.
Decades passed. Things changed. I started forgiving for my own sake of mental peace, I separated my ways from those who harmed me, I emotionally detached myself from those who never valued my presence, I respectfully said ‘goodbye’ to those who never respected my pure feelings, I became selfish as I wanted to live. I understood that people are mean & they use you when they need something from you.
Best thing about life is that time passes. It used to be the only hope I had after hours of shedding tears. Everytime, I just told myself, ‘Have patience, already many years have passed, rest of the years will do the same!’ That was the best thing that I could keep in mind at that time & I still do.
Pain you suffer through is toxic & it gradually finishes you from inside. Emotional abuse is something many people happily embrace, even I did. Why? For what? Lovelessness, unaffectionate behaviour, carelessness, lack of communication etc, these things can make you an old way before the right time. We should selfishly separate our ways of life from those who fill you with these toxicity instead of keep thinking ‘what to do’ the next decade too.